Jokes, 1998
Joke for 97
98 99
00 01
02 03
04 05
06 07 or St. Stephen's HomePage
The Stewardship Song
Joyful, joyful we ignore Thee,
God we're busy, God we're tired.
We have fishing, we have bowling, visit friends, in hobbies mired.
TV football, earn a living, raise the kids and mow the lawn.
When it comes to Sunday morning, all our energy is gone.
We speak at the local school board,
when our taxes are misued.
At Lions' lunch we read the minutes, when the clerk has been
excused.
At the game we hand out programs, in the shower we love to sing.
When it comes to Sunday
morning, we cant't seen to do a thing.
An electrical engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer--you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and computers and internet, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and computers and internet, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an Engineer? That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an Engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him.
God says, "Send him back up here or else I'll sue you."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?!"
The choir director gave the acolyte his instructions: "When the choir sings, 'and the angels lit the candles,' you come down the aisle and light the candles on the altar. Do you understand?" The boy said that he did know what to do.
The moment comes, the choir sings, 'and the angels lit the candles,' but the little boy doesn't come.
The choir director, thinking that the little boy didn't hear, has the choir sing the line again, 'and the angels lit the candles,' but still no acolyte.
Desperate, the choir director has the choir sing out louder this time, 'AND THE ANGELS LIT THE CANDLE S.'
From the back of the church the acolyte sings out, "AND THE CAT PEED ON THE MATCHES."
The teacher asked a Sunday School student: Do you know why Peter denied That he knows Jesus?
The kid answered: because Jesus had healed Peter's mother in-law...
A minister told his flock that he had a 'call' to another church. One of the elders asked him how much they were offering for a salary. He answered "$50,000." "I don't blame you for going," responded the elder, "that's not a 'call' that's a 'raise'.
It was the Sunday that the rector announced to his congregation that he would be leaving to take a new call. As he greeted at the door after the service, many expressions of both sadness and gratitude were spoken, but one elderly woman w ho had been a member for over 60 years through many priests was especially disconsolate, weeping opening as she said, "Father, we'll miss you so much..what are we ever going to do now?"
Trying to be comforting the rector replied, "Now, now, don't you lose hope. I'm sure God will send you a rector every bit as good as I've been -- in fact I bet God will send this church an even better rector."
The woman was unconsoled. "That's what they always say," she replied, "but it gets worse every time!"
Does your church practice Football Christianity?
"Quarterback Sneak": People who exit following the choir anthem, a quarter of the way through the service.
"Draft Choice": Selection of a seat near the door.
"Draw Play": What many children (and a few adults) do with their bulletins.
"Bench Warmer": Those whose only participation is their attendance Sunday Mornings.
"Backfield in Motion": Making two or three trips out of the church during the sermon.
"Stay in Pocket": What happens to a lot of money that should go towards missions.
"Sudden Death": The Minister who preaches past 11:30 AM.
"Blitz": the stampede for the doors after the service.
A Reader's Guide to Theological Jargon
paradigm: twenty cents
praxis: anglicized Greek for practice; as in praxis makes perfex
hermeneutic: palindrome of "cituenemreh," which crept into usage before translators realized that certain Dead Sea palimpsests were intended to be read from right to left. The closest English equivalent would seem to be "operator-assisted call." parameter: the metric equivalent of perimeter
exegesis: [Ital.] a retired messiah
myth: [Sanskrit] literally: "lisping virgin"; but since the word "yethe" meant "Why not!" and "yesse" meant "Not on your life!," there were soon no lisping virgins to be found, and myth took on its present signification of something fictitious eschatology: the very last thing that seminarians and divinity students think about before falling asleep
analogical imagination: the sum of two or more analogies divided by the square root of David Tracy
predestination: a method of express delivery by which a package arrives before it is shipped
cognition: what happens immediately before an intellectual blast-off
existential imperative: Right to Life Movement
metaphorical redundancy: a horse of the same color
dialectic consistency: philosophical lodestone discovered by Michael Novak which, when used with the proper incantations, ensures that whatever opinion one holds for at least 24 hours becomes a mutable truth, or at least qualifies as a short-term capital gain
Still more Church Bulletin Bloopers:
1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. & Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9. Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the pastor in his study.
10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
A Jewish story about a rabbi who went on a journey with his servant named Jacob. Their cart was drawn by a lively horse of which the rabbi was very fond. When they came to a roadside inn, the rabbi went in to rest leaving his horse in Jacob's care. In the meantime a horse trader passed by and, seeing, Jacob, soon made friends with him. He plied him with drink and Jacob soon was so intoxicated it was easy for the horse trader to induce him to seel him the horse for a song.
Although drunk, Jacob was frightened by what he had done. What would the rabbi say when he came out of the inn? An idea occurred to him. He placed himself between the empty shafts of the cart and started to chew hay.
When the rabbi came out, he was struck speechless by what he saw. "What's the meaning of this?" he finally managed to stammer. "Where's the horse?' "The Horse?"
"That's me!" replied Jacob, and he uttered a loud whinny.
"What on earth are you doing?" murmured the rabbi, frightened to death. "Have you gone out of your mind?"
"Don't be angry with me, Rabbi," pleaded his servant Jacob. "Years ago a great misfortune happened to me. I was a young man then, a little wild and foolish, and, may God forgive me, I sinned with a woman. So to punish me, God turned me into a horse ------------ your horse. For twenty long years you have been my master, Rabbi, little suspecting who I really was. Well, it seems my punishment is over. I'm again a man, praise God!"
When the Rabbi heard Jacob's story he began to tremble and prayed for God's mercy. However, there was a practical difficulty to attend to ----- he could not continue his journey without a horse, so he went into the market place to buy one. Suddenly, he stood face to face with his old horse. It was munching a wisp of hay at the horse trader's. Going up to it in alarm, the Rabbi whispered into its ear, "for goodness sake, Jacob! Again so soon!"
My Roman Catholic neighbour told me about a priest who had a drinking problem. One day the Monsignor drop in on him unexpectedly. Monsignor noticed the many empty bottles here and there about the rectory, but he said nothing until he was at the door about to leave. "Father," he said, "I noticed a large number of dead soldiers lying about." "Yes, Monsignor," said the priest, "But, Monsignor, not one of them went down without a priest."
BIG DADDY'S LORD'S PRAYER RAP
Yo, Bid Daddy upstairs, You be chillin So be yo hood You be sayin' it, I be doin' it In this here hood and yo's Gimme some eats And cut me some slack, Blood So's I be doin' it to dem dat diss me don't be pushing me into no jive and keep dem Crips away 'Cause you always be da Man Aaa-men
Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me father for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman."
The Priest says, "Is that you Tommy?"
"Yes father, it is I."
"Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you for I do not wish to sully her reputation."
"The priest asks "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"No father."
"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
"No father."
"Was it Ann Brown?"
"No father, I cannot tell you."
"The priest says, "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your pennance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."
Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slieves over to ask him what happened. Tommy replies, "I got five Our Fathers, Four Hail Marys and three good leads."
On the way home from church, a little boy asked his mother, "Is it true, Mommy, that we are made of dust?" "Yes, Darling." "And do we go back to dust again when we die?" "Yes, Dear." "Well, Mommy, when I said my prayers last night and looked under the bed, I found someone who was either coming or going."
A man loaded down with fishing gear was chiseling a small hole in the ice, when he heard a deep, booming voice say, "There are NO fish down there!" He looked around, and seeing no one, went back to his chiseling and chopping. "I told you," the voice boomed again, "there ARE NO FISH down there."
The man looked everywhere but couldn't see anyone. Nervously, he moved to another spot on the ice and started chiseling again.
"There are no fish THERE, either!" came the voice. By now the man was quite terrified, as he could see no one around, so he scurried off to another spot on the ice and began chiseling again. This time the voice came from right behind him. "I'm not going to tell you again. There ARE NO FISH down there!"
The man whirled around to see a huge figure standing over him. "A-are you G-God???" "No. I'm the rink manager."
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."
The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.
The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."
A rector left a congregation after a tenure of ministry there. He had left three envelopes in the desk in the office and told the new rector, "when things get a bit rough, open an envelope." The new rector thanked him for leaving him these envelopes and everything went on pretty well for the first couple of years.
Then things began to get a bit tricky, so he went to the desk and opened the first envelope. It said, "blame the previous rector." So he did that. It worked very well.
A few years later some conflict started up, so the rector went to the second envelope. It said, "change the structure." So the rector changed the structure of the church, and things smoothed over for a while.
A few years later things heated up again, and the he went to the desk and opened the third envelope. It said, "prepare three envelopes."
Father Fizbin, the new Vicar at the Mission Church of St. Swithin, was sitting in his office early one Sunday morning. Suddenly he saw a mist forming in the cornerof the room. As he watched the mist began to coalesce and he saw the form of a young middle-eastern man taking shape. The man had on a bright white robe and his features seemed to radiate light. Father Fizbin, recognizing that he was witnessing an awesome event grabbed the telephone and called Father Bigmann, the Archdeacon. When the Archdeacon answered, Father Fizbin excitedly said: "This is Father Fizbin at St. Swithin's; our Lord is manifesting Himself in my office! What should I do??"
Father Bigmann rolled his eyes and suggested that such news should be reported straight to the Bishop. He encouraged Father Fizbin to do just that.
So Father Fizbin called the Diocesan offices and asked to speak to the Bishop. The Bishop's Secretary wanted to know what was so important. So Father Fizbin again said: "Our Lord is manifesting Himself in my office! I need to know what to do!" The Bishop's Secretary had little patience for such things on a Sunday morning so she put the call through. "He's got the theology degrees," she said "let him handle it."
The Bishop picked up the phone and asked what he could do. Father Fizbin, really excited at this point because the figure was now quite distinct, said: "Bishop! Our Lord is manifesting Himself in my office! Please tell me what to do!!"
The Bishop thought for a moment, and then said: "Try to look busy."
The other day I went to the local religious book store where I bought one of those "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper stickers and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I am really glad I did.
What an uplifting experience followed! I had stopped at a busy intersection, lost in prayer and praise, and didn't notice the light had changed. But even at a place like that, the bumper sticker really worked. I found so many wonderful people who love Jesus.
Why, the guy behind me not only honked like crazy, he leaned out the window and yelled, "Jesus Christ! Go! Jesus, Go!" as loud as he could. Everyone else started honking and yelling, too. It was like a football game and a revival service combined. So I leaned out the window smiling and waving to all these sisters and brothers in the Lord.
There must've been a guy from Florida somewhere back there yelling about a sunny beach, and he had this special kind of wave with his middle finger stuck up in the air. I figured it was a "One Way and Only One" sign, so I waved back the same way.
A couple of people were so carried away with joy that they got out of their cars and started walking toward me. I know they probably wanted me to pray with them, but just then I realized the light had changed, and stepped on the gas. I was the only driver to get across the intercession before it turned red again, but I looked back at them standing there, leaned out the window, smiling and waving that special "One Way" sign to them as I drove away.
A pastor said from the pulpit, "You know, I don't mind if you folks look at your watches during the sermon, but when you take them off, hold them up to your ears and shake them, I find it quite distracting!"
A Rabbi and a Priest, good friends that they were, were discussing their respective doctrines. "Now that we catholics have progressed to eating meat on Friday, when will you start eating pork?" The response was, "At your wedding!"
The following is one of Dr. Schalmbaugh's Final Test questions for May 1997. (Dr. Schalmbaugh, University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, is known for asking questions such as this on his final exams.) May 1997, Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II Final Exam Question: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with truth." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rates are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature end pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. Case 1: If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose. Case 2: If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Theresa Banyan during my freshman year, "it will be a cold night in hell before I date you" and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having going out with her, then case 2 cannot be true. Thus, hell is exothermic. The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.
After having settled in and gotten comfortable, Jesus bespied the day's first newcomer, a small, bent, mustachioed old man with an awed look of wonder at his new surroundings.
O.M.:'My, my, is this heaven?'
J.C.:'Well, yes it is as a matter of fact.'
O.M.:'What, pray tell, do I do to enter?'
J.C.:'Contrary to popular belief, all you need to do is answer a few basic questions.'
O.M.:'That's wonderful! What would you like to know?'
J.C.:'Where are you from, my friend?'
O.M.:'I'm from the mediterranean, spent all my life there.'
J.C.:'What a coincidence, I'm from the mediterranean too. In fact, that's where my family was. What did you do down there sir?'
O.M.:'I had a small carpentry shop. You know wood working and such, nothing much really.
J.C.:'My goodness! My father was a carpenter too! Say.... did you have any family?'
O.M.:'Yeah...', suspicion entering his voice, 'I had a son. Why?'
J.C.:'Tell me, did your son help you out around the shop?'
O.M.:'Yeah...'
J.C.:'Could you describe him for me please?'
O.M.:'Well, he had holes in his hands and feet...'
J.C.:(blurting out) 'Dad!!!???'
O.M.:'Pinnochio?'
One pastor's parking spot at a church has this sign:
--------------------
You Park, You Preach
--------------------
The priest asked the dying man "Do you renounce the world, the flesh and the Devil?"
The dying man responded "I am not in any condition to offend anyone."
In the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from Chicago treated herself to her first real vacation in Florida. Being unfamiliar with the area, she wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami.
"Excuse me," she said to the manager. "My name is Mrs. Goldstein, and I'd like a small room for two weeks."
"I'm awfully sorry," he replied, "but all of our rooms are occupied."
Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out.
"What luck," said Mrs. Goldstein. "Now there's a room."
"Not so fast, Madam. I'm sorry, but this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed."
"Jewish? Who's Jewish? I happen to be Catholic."
"I find that hard to believe. Let me ask you, who was the Son of God?"
"Jesus, Son of Mary."
"Where was he born?"
"In a stable."
"And why was he born in a stable?"
"Because a guy like you wouldn't let a Jew rent a room in his hotel!"
SOME BIBLICAL MISINFORMATION (Actual test replies by Confirmation Classes) Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was by profession, a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
Thought you might enjoy these. More Classic CHURCH BULLETIN Bloopers 1) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
2) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
3) The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
4) Evening massage - 6 p.m.
5) The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
6) The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
7) Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
8) Ushers will eat latecomers.
9) The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
10) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
11) The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
12) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
13) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
14) Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
15) Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
16) Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
17) The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
18) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
19) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
20) The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
21) 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
22) A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
23) Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
24) Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"
25) On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.
26) Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
27) Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
28) The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
29) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
30) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
31) The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
32) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
33) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Joe: Did you hear the Bishop's house burned?
Bob: No, that's awful! Did it do much damage?
Joe: Oh, it was awful. Everything they had was totall destroyed. Bob: Even his office? His new computer?
Joe: Everything!
Bob: Oh, my, it must have gotten all his sermons, too!
Joe: Well, no, he had both of them with him at the time!
A little boy asked his father a question. The father was a priest and the little boy said, "Daddy, before you write your sermon, why do you bow your head and put it down into your hands?"
"Well," said the priest, "I am praying. I am asking God to help me with the sermon."
"Then why doesn't God do it?" asked the little boy.
A little boy had been praying to the Lord for $100 for a while now. But his prayers weren't answered and the money was not forthcoming. Finally he decided to write a letter to God. In it he told God that he had been praying for $100 and wanted to know if he could have it. The post office received his letter, and upon noticing the address decided to send it to President Clinton. After reading the letter he was touched and instructed his staff to send the little boy $5. He thought that the boy wouldn't know the difference and would be excited about the money.
Upon receivng the $5 the little boy sent a letter back to God, thanking God for the money. In his letter the little boy also included a question. He asked, "Dear Lord, thank you for the $5. I know You sent me the $100, but why did you have to send it through Washington D.C. When I got the money I found that those bums kept $95 of it."
When it comes to dealing with those who sin against us, much of the time we'd prefer to be like the 4 year old who was playing in his yard when a grownup stopped by, "Hi Mike," she said, Where is your friend Jason?"
"Away," he replied.
"Don't you miss him?"
"Yes," Mike admitted. Then, meditating darkly on the number of times Jason had beaten him, he added, "But I like missing him."
Church Bulletin Bloopers
Actual messages taken from Church Newsletters
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
Evening massage - 6 pm.
The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the back door.
ANNOINTING OF THE SICK . . . If you are going to be hospitalized for an operation, contact the rector. Special prayer also for those who are seriously sick by request.
Usher will eat latecomers.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
The sermon this morning: WOMEN IN THE CHURCH The closing song: RISE UP, O MEN OF GOD
The sermon this morning: GOSSIP . . . THE SPEAKING OF EVIL The closing song: I LOVE TO TELL THE STORY
The sermon this morning: CONTEMPORARY ISSUES #3 . . . EUTHANASIA The closing song: TAKE MY LIFE
A very wealthy man was on his death bed and called his family to gather around. He told them that because they were all so greedy and treated him badly that he was going to take his wealth with him to heaven when he died.
His plan he stated was simple, he had his accountant gather all his money and put it in a box and place it in the attic. That way when he died and started to rise up to heaven, he could grab the box of money.
After the gentleman passed on, his wife went to the attic only to find the box of money still there.
His wife quietly said "The fool, I told him he should have put it in the basement!"
Myers-Briggs Prayers
ENFJ God, help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest. Do you mind putting that in writing?
ENTP God, help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.
ENTJ God, help me to slow downandnotrushthroughwhatIdoAmen. ESFJ Lord, give me patience and I mean right now!
ESTP God, help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually not my fault!
ESTJ God, help me to not try to run everything. But, if you need some help, just ask!
ESFP God, help me to take things more seriously. Especially parties and dancing.
INTJ Lord, keep me open to others' ideas, wrong though they may be.
INFJ Lord, help me not to be such a perfectionist. Did I spell that correctly?
INTP Lord, help me less independent, but let me do it my way.
INFP Lord, help me to finish everything I start.
ISTJ God, help me to begin relaxing about little details tomorrow at 11:41.32 a.m.
ISFJ Lord, help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it exactly right!
ISTP God, help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them are hypersensitive.
ISFP Lord, help me to stand up for my rights! (if you don't mind my asking)
ENFP God, help me to keep my mind on one thi... Look! a bird! ...ing at a time.
When Descartes walked into a pub one afternoon, the barkeeper said, "Hi Rene. The usual?"
Mr (Dr?) Descartes gazed at the far wall a long moment. Then he finally replied, "Well, actually. Umm, I think not."
At that moment he was p(r)oofed away. Was never again seen.
Local monastery in dire financial straits decided to diversify and go into fast-food business. Open 9:00 - 5:00 daily (Except Sunday), they quickly became known far and wide for their lip-smacking fish and chips.
A hungry late-comer rang the monastery door bell. Brother Sebastian answered.
"Are you the fish fryer?" asked the late-comer.
"No. I'm the chip monk," answered Brother Sebastian.
Once there was a child who requested a bike for Christmas. The child had written a letter to Santa asking for a bike. But no bike arrived.
The parents of the child were asked to deliver a bike for an upcoming birthday. Again no bike arrived.
Nearly at wits end the child turned to prayer and asked God to deliver a bike the following Christmas. Again no bike.
Leaving church the Sunday following Christmas the child developed a plan. The child removed the baby Jesus doll from the Nativity scene outside the church, hid it under a coat and carried it home. At home the child carefully wrapped the baby Jesus in a blanket and hid it away in a drawer. The child then sat down to write another letter. It began:
Dear Mary,
If you ever want to see your son alive again ...