JOKE OF THE WEEK

Joke for  97   98   99   00   01   02   03   04   05   07  or St. Stephen's HomePage 
 

FOR December 28, 1997

Once there was a child who requested a bike for Christmas. The child had written a letter to Santa asking for a bike. But no bike arrived.

The parents of the child were asked to deliver a bike for an upcoming birthday. Again no bike arrived.

Nearly at wits end the child turned to prayer and asked God to deliver a bike the following Christmas. Again no bike.

Leaving church the Sunday following Christmas the child developed a plan. The child removed the baby Jesus doll from the Nativity scene outside the church, hid it under a coat and carried it home. At home the child carefully wrapped the baby Jesus in a blanket and hid it away in a drawer. The child then sat down to write another letter. It began:

Dear Mary,

If you ever want to see your son alive again ...

FOR

December 21, 1997

Answers in Confirmation Class: "When Mary heard she was to be the mother of Jesus, she went off and sang the Magna Carta"

And other quotations from confirmation classes. "Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark"

"The fifth commandment is humor thy father and mother"

"Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day..and a ball of fire by night".

"Holy Acrimony is another name for marriage"

"It is sometimes difficult to hear in church because the agnostics are so terrible".

"Christians have only one wife. That is called monotony".

"The patron saint of travellers is St. Francis of Seasick"

"The natives of Macedonia did not believe so Paul got stoned"

"The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple".

FOR

December 14, 1997

Lord, help me be the person my dog thinks I am.

FOR

December 7, 1997

from a rabbi friend: Morris was dying, and his wife Sadie was by his side.

"Sadie," Morris said in a hoarse whisper, "remember how we started that little grocery store in Kiev, and the cossacks drove us out and you were by my side?"
"Yes," Sadie said.

"And remember how we had the little vegetable stand in Berlin and the Nazis drove us out, and you were by my side?"
"Yes," Sadie said.

"And remember how we had the meat market in the Bronx and the muggers took over the neighborhood and our store was firebombed and you were by my side?"
"Yes," Sadie said.

"And remember how we came to Miami and I had my heart attack, and you were by my side?"
"O, yes, Morris!", Sadie said.

"Sadie, said Morris, "there's one thing I've always wanted to tell you, and now that I know I'm dying, I can finally say it."

"What is it, my darling?" said Sadie.

"Sadie, you're a jinx," said Morris, and died.

FOR

November 30, 1997

A boy comes home from his Church School class.

Mother: What did you learn today?

Boy: We learned about Moses and how he took the Jews out of Egypt.

Mother: Really? What happened?

Boy: Well, Moses lead the Jews out of Egypt to the Red Sea and he was being chased by the Egyptian army. So Moses and the Jews were stuck between the Red Sea and the armies of Egypt. Just then, the Israeli Air Force came and bombed the Egyptian chariots. Then Israeli army laid down some pontoon bridges and sent some tanks across and blasted the Egyptians. Then...

Mother: What a second! Is *that* what you learned?

Boy: Oh Mom! You wouldn't believe what they tried to teach us!

FOR

November 23, 1997

There was a preacher who thought he recognized the lady, approached her, then apologized for his mistake with, "I'm sorry. You look like Helen Black." To this she replies, "I don't look good in brow neither."

FOR

November 16, 1997

A man went to his Priest for advice. He complained that he was really down, business was bad, his wife did not love him, the bill collectors were after him, he was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. The priest gave him what solace he could, then said "Go home, pick up the bible and open it at random. Read the first two words you see. They will provide the advice you need for your situation." The Priest did not hear from the man for several months.

Then one day while in town, he saw the man drive up in a Rolls Royce. He got out ofthe car with a beautiful young woman on his arm. The Priest walked up tohim and said "Well, I see your situation has changed. You look very prosperous.""Yes," replied the man. "I took your advice, went home, opened the bible at random and read the first two words.""Well, what were the two words that served you so well?" "Chapter 11." replied the man.

Note: Chapter 11 is a section of U.S. law that deals with bankruptcy.

FOR

November 9, 1997

A Catholic priest, Prestbyterian minister, and Lutheran pastor all arrive at the entrance to heaven at the same time. Saint Peter greets them all and ushers them in one at a time for a private audience with the Almighty Judge.

The Catholic priest goes first, and comesout a few moments later looking dejected. "I just didn't take the sacrament of penance seriously enough," he said as he descended the fiery escalator into the depths.

The Presbyterian goes in next, and comes out shortly looking resigned to his fate. Shaking his head, he began the long journey downwards saying, "It must have been predestined.

The Lutheran pastor then enters for his audience and is in there a long time. He finally emerges and is obviously furious. "I can't believe it! They've started counting works!"

FOR

November 2, 1997

Adam comes up to God one day in thegarden. "You know, Lord, I just want to thank you for making this Eve person. She's great! But I'm a little confused. Whenever I'm around her, I want to do something, but I don't know what it is." God said, "Well, don't you remember? I told to go and multiply." A little while later, Adam came back and said, "We made it through four-times tables, but that's not it." So God sat Adam down and explained it all to him in detail. Adam said,"Yes, that's it! That's what I want to do!" A little while later, Adam came back. "God, what's a headache?"

FOR

October 26, 1997

Three rectors got together for coffee one day and found all their churches had bat infestation problems. "I got so mad,"said one, "I took a shotgun and fired at them. It made holes in the ceiling, but did nothing to the bats.""I tried trapping them alive," said the second. "Then I drove 50 miles before releasing them, but they beat me back tothe church.""I haven't had any more problems," said the third."What did you do?" asked the others, amazed."I simply baptized them and presented them for Confirmation," he replied. "I haven't seen them since."

FOR

October 19, 1997

There were three engineers. One was a mechanical engineer who claimed that God must be of his profession because, well, just look at the mechanical genius in the design of the body - all those joints and muscles moving in harmony. "No, you're wrong," claimed the second who was an electrical engineer. "With the intricate nervous system of the body, God must have been an electrical engineer. Finally the civil engineer said, "God is a civil engineer. Who else would put a waste disposal line right through a great recreational area?"

FOR

October 12, 1997

A young Christian girl attending college for the first time found herself enrolled in Philosophy 101. During the class, the professor asked the question "Do you believe in Evolution?" When it came time for the girl's responce, she said with a smile, "No Sir, I'm a Christian." To which the professor replied, "Does that mean you believe everything in the Bible?" "Yes Sir" came the immediate responce.

The professor then queried "Does that also mean you believe in miracles?" Again the responce was "Yes Sir, I surley do."

The professor, seeing an opportunity to advance the students knowledge by means of a little humility, asked "What about the miracle of Jonah and the great fish? Do you really think it was possible for a fish to swallow a living being, keep him under water for three days, and then return him unharmed to the sea shore?" Again the responce came back "Yes Sir."

Becoming a little annoyed with the student, the professor asked " How do you suppose to prove whether or not this miracle happened?" Without hesitation the young student replied "When I get to Heaven, I'll simply ask Jonah."

Being at his wits end the professor sharply replied "What if Jonah is not there?" The student thought for a minute and replied " Then you ask him!"

FOR

October 5, 1997

A recently received birthday card. . .

Protestantism -- "It's the thought that counts."
Taoism -- "You are what you think."
Catholicism -- "Stop thinking those thoughts."
Judaism -- "You should have thought of that before."
Atheism -- "It's not a thought, it's an idea."
TV Evangelism -- "Don't think ... have faith."
Buddhism -- "Think a good thought."
Zen Buddhism -- "It's not the thinking that counts."
Hinduism -- "I've had that thought before."

FOR

September 28, 1997

A student attending public schools was doing very poorly in math. In desperation, his parents finally transferred him to a Catholic school. In no time, his math grades improved dramatically. A friend asked him what had happened to cause his math grades to improve. Said the student, "When I saw the picture in Math Class of the man nailed to the "plus" sign, I knew they meant business!"