Jokes

Jokes: 2003

Jokes for 97 98 99 00 01 02 03 04 05 06 08 or St. Stephen's HomePage

The day finally arrives. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He

walks up to the Pearly Gates and is met by St. Peter himself. The

good saint says:

"Well, Forrest, we're glad to see you. We have heard a lot about

you. I must let you know however, that the place is filling up fast,

so we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone.

The test is short and you have to pass before you can get into heaven.

You need to answer these three questions:

1. What days of the week begin with the letter "T"?

2. How many seconds are there in a year?

3. What is God's first name?

Forrest says, "Well, the first one - that's an easy one. There

are two of them - Today and Tomorrow".

The saint's eyes open wide in surprise, "Forrest, that's not

what I was thinking, but ... I'll give you credit for that answer.

How about the second question?"

"Now, that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I'll guess the only

answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve?

Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

"Shucks, there's gotta be twelve," Forrest answers, "January

2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc."

"Hold it" interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with

this, and I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on

to the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?"

"Sure" Forrest replies, "it's Andy."

"Andy?!" exclaims the exasperated and frustrated saint. "OK, I

can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two

questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of

'Andy' as the first name of God?"

"Shucks," Forrest replies, "that was the easiest one of all" :

ANDY WALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."

St. Peter opens the Pearly Gates and says "Run, Forrest, run!!"

ONCE A BAPTIST---- ALWAYS A BAPTIST

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.

Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.

They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went ! over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."

The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill.

The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent?

The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and

went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith,

gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to

educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a

Christian. Rabbi... where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I,

too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through

University, cost me a fortune, then one day he comes and tells

me he has decided to become a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the lawyer. "I turned to God for the

answer," replied the rabbi.

"And what did he say?"

He said, "Funny you should come to me..."

A priest and a pastor are standing by the side of the road pounding a sign

into the ground that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now

before it's too late!"

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled a driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should

just say, 'Bridge Out'?"

Twelve disciples: Were they management potential?

TO:
Jesus, Son of Joseph
Woodcrafter Carpenter Shop
Nazareth

FROM:
Jordan Management Consultants
Jerusalem

Dear Sir:

Thank you for submitting the resumes of the 12 men you have picked for management positions in your new organization. All of them have now taken our battery of tests; we have not only run the results through our computer, but also arranged personal interviews for each of them with our psychologist and vocational aptitude consultant.

It is the staff opinion that most of your nominees are lacking in background, education, and vocational aptitude for the type of enterprise you are undertaking. They do not have the team concept. We would recommend that you continue your search for persons of experience in managerial ability and proven capability.

Simon Peter is emotionally unstable and given to fits of temper. Andrew has absolutely no qualities of leadership. The two brothers, James and John, the sons of Zebedee, place personal interest above company loyalty. Thomas demonstrates a questioning attitude that would tend to undermine morale.

We feel that it is our duty to tell you that Matthew has been blacklisted by the Greater Jerusalem Better Business Bureau. James, the son of Alphaeus, and Thaddaeus definitely have radical leanings, and they both registered a high score on the manic depressive scale.

One of the candidates, however, shows great potential. He is a man of ability and resourcefulness, meets people well, has a keen business mind and has contacts in high places. He is highly motivated, ambitious, and responsible. We recommend Judas Iscariot as your controller and right-hand man. All of the other profiles are self-explanatory.

We wish you every success in your new venture.

Sincerely yours,
Jordan Management Consultants

*Source: Greg Ogden, "Transforming Discipleship: Making Disciples a Few at a Time."

Our source was Soujourner's Mail. See http://www.sojo.net/

The color of happiness

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

A pious Jewish man died and went to heaven. God greets him at the
Pearly Gates. "Are you hungry, Moishe?" says God.

"I could eat," Moishe replies.

So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they
share it.    While eating this humble meal, Moishe looks down into Hell and
sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters,   pheasants,
pastries and wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, he remains quiet.

The next day God again invites him to join Him for a meal.

Again, it is tuna and rye bread.

Once again, Moishe can see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne,
lamb, truffles and chocolates.    Still he says nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened.
He can't contain himself any longer. Meekly, he says: "God, I am grateful to be
in heaven with You as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But
here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread, and
in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand,"

God sighs. "Let's be honest," He says. "For just two people, does it pay to cook?"

An Atheist And The Loch Ness Monster

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. The monster then opened its mouth while waiting below to swallow man and boat.

As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall toward the open jaws of the ferocious beast he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

Suddenly, the scene froze in place. As the atheist hung in midair, a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

"Well," said God, "now that you are a believer, you must understand that I won't work miracles to snatch you from certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can change hearts. What would you have me do?"

The atheist thinks for a minute and then says, "God, please have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You also."

God replies, "So be it."

The scene starts in motion again with the atheist falling toward the ravenous jaws of the ferocious beast.

Then the Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says, "Lord, bless this food You have so graciously provided."

Thanks to Colette, St. George's, Clifton Park, for that one!

Who makes the coffee at your house?

Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?

Yup, it's in the Bible!

It says.............

"HEBREWS!"

In the cafeteria of a Catholic school, the children were

lined up for lunch. At the head of the line was a large

pile of apples. The nun made a note and she had placed it

in front of the apples. The note read: "Take only one,

God is watching."

Further down the cafeteria line was a large pile of

chocolate chip cookies...

One of the boys had written a note of his own. The note he

placed in front of the cookies read: "Take all you want,

God is watching the apples."

The custodian at a Catholic church felt he deserved a raise. He approached the priest, who acknowledged that he was very good but the parish had no money to pay him more. So he went looking for another job.

The Presbyterian church had an opening for a custodian and was pleased that he wanted to work for them. The pastor said he had to be sure the man was a good Christian. He asked him where Jesus was born. The custodian promptly answered "Philadelphia."

"I'm sorry," the pastor said, "that is not the correct answer." So the custodian was turned away.

But the Episcopal church also needed a custodian, and the man applied. The Methodists also were pleased that such a qualified person would be custodian, but they also had a question. "Where was Jesus born?" the minister asked.

"Pittsburgh." answered the man promptly. Reluctantly the minister had to tell the man he could not be hired.

So the custodian returns to the Catholic church and asks for his job back. The priest is pleased to get the man back and rehires him. "By the way, where was Jesus born?" the man asked the priest.

"Why, in Bethlehem."

  "Oh, yes, I knew it was some place in Pennsylvania."

Subject: Bran Muffins

The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven." The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?", grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day." Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy." The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked. "That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!" The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself." The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago.

When you are in your casket, and friends, family and
are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say?

Three clerics were asked what words they would choose:

Episcopal Priest: "I would like to hear them say that I was a
wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family
man."

Catholic Priest: "I would like to hear them say that I was an excellent
teacher and a servant of God who made a huge difference in peoples' lives."

Rabbi: "I would like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving.'"

In a small southern town I saw a wonderful nativity scene, but
one feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing
firemen's helmets. Unable to come up with a reason or
explanation, I left. At a convenience store on the edge of town,
I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never
do read the Bible!"

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything
about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the
counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her
finger at a passage.

Sticking it in my face, she said, "See, it says right here, 'The
three wise men came from afar!'"

STAMPS