Jokes 2002

One night when a boy prayed to god, the boy asked god:

How Long is 1 million years to you?

God replies 1 second.

The Boy asked God:

How much is 1 million dollars to you?

God replies 1 penny.

Then the boy asked god if he could have a penny.

God replies...sure, "gimme a second".

... this from a friend....I remember saying grace when I was young, thinking

I was saying "and bless these gift bees towed by you". It was really "bless

these gifts bestowed by you".

-Karen

If you know the Bible--even a little--you'll find this hilarious!

It comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions

about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the bible

were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected

(i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in).

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1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating

the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

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2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called

Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark which the animals come on to in pears.

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3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night..

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4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble

with the unsympathetic Genitals.

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5. Samson was 7. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made

unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

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8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went

up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.

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9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple..

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10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

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11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews

in the battle of Geritol.

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12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand

still and he obeyed him.

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13. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with

the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

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14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

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15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna

Carta.

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16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus

in the manager.

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17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

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18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

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19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others

before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by

sweat alone."

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20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the

tombstone off the entrance.

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21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

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22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

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23. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

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24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is

another name for marriage.

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25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Irrefutable logic

If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class.

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!"

"Well", I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

A Question for Grandma

A little boy was visiting his grandparents on their farm and became attached

to one of the kittens. This kitten, having no road sense, was killed by a passing car

right in front of the little boy. The grandfather buried the kitten behind the barn,

and the grandmother distracted the boy by giving him cookies and milk.

While the little boy was eating, the following conversation took place.

"Grandma, what happened to the kitten?"

"It was killed by a car. The kitten is dead."

"Where does a kitten go when it dies?"

"God takes the kitten to heaven."

The little boy took another bite of cookie and then said,

"But, Grandma, what does God want with a dead kitten?"

Subject: Christian One Liners......

1. Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited-until you try
to sit in their pews.

2. Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.

3. It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

4. The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but
mosquitoes come close.

5. When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

6. People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of
the road, and the back of the church.

7. Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front
door forever.

8. Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect,
you couldn't belong.

9. The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience: "And in
conclusion."

10. If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for
the one it has.

11. Not only are the sins of the fathers visited upon
the children, but nowadays the sins of the children are visited
upon the fathers.

12. God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is
dead. So why should you?

13. To make a long story short, don't tell it.

14. If your left hand doesn't know what your right hand is doing,
you should consider running for a job in Washington, DC.

15. Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and
permanently set.

16. Peace starts with a smile.

17. I don't know why some people change churches; what difference
does it make which one you stay home from?

18. A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the
Promises" are just sitting on the premises.

19. We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.

20. Outside of traffic, there is nothing that holds this country
back as much as committees.

"God answers Knee Mail.."

Short One's

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
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An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
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A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
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A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
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A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
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A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
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A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.

Subject: Moses gets a computer

"Excuse me, Sir."

"Is that you again, Moses?"

"I'm afraid it is, Sir."

"What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?"

"How did you guess?"

"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"

"Oh, yeah. I forgot."

"Tell me what you want, Moses."

"But you already know. Remember?"

"Moses!"

"Sorry, Sir."

"Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out."

"Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those 'ten things' you sent me?"

"You mean the Commandments, Moses?"

"That's it. I was wondering if they were important."

"What do you mean 'were important,' Moses? Of course,

they're important. Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you."

"Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog

ate them, but of course you would see right through that."

"What do you mean 'you lost them'? Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?"

"No, Sir. I forgot."

"You should always save, Moses."

"Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send them to some people before I lost them though."

"And did you hear back from any of them?"

"You already know I did. What about the one guy who said he never uses'shalt not'? Can he change the words a little bit?"

"Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning."

"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions,' or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"

"Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that."

"I think that means 'no.' Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"

"I think the term is 'spamming,' Moses."

"Oh, yeah. I E-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."

"And what did he say?"

"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those -- er -- plagues, and that's the reason I lost those ten things, do you?"

"They're called 'viruses,' Moses."

"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go back to those stone tablets?

It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but at least I never lost them."

"We'll do it the new way, Moses."

"I was afraid you would say that, Sir."

"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"

"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer."

"It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"

"No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By the way, Sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"

"No, Moses."

"One other thing. Why didn't you name them 'frogs' instead of 'mice,' because didn't you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"

"I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to."

"Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn't it a woman who named one of the computers Apple?"

"Say good night, Moses."

"Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse, and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the 'ten things' have come back."

"Which ones are they, Moses?"

"Let's see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and 'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'"

"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets."

STONE HUMOR found on real headstones:

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:

Born 1903-Died 1942

Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.

It was.

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In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist

All dressed up

And no place to go.

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On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:

Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.

The Good Die Young.

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In a London, England cemetery:

Here lies Ann Mann,

Who lived an old maid

But died an old Mann.

Dec. 8, 1767

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In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace:

The children of Israel wanted bread,

And the Lord sent them manna.

Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,

And the Devil sent him Anna.

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In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:

Here lies Johnny Yeast.

Pardon me

For not rising.

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In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.

Stepped on the gas

Instead of the brake.

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In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:

Here lays The Kid.

We planted him raw.

He was quick on the trigger

But slow on the draw.

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A lawyer's epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange.

Here lies an honest lawyer,

And that is Strange.

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John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:

Reader, if cash thou art

In want of any,

Dig 6 feet deep;

And thou wilt find a Penny.

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In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June,

Jonathan Fiddle

Went out of tune.

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Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls,Vermont

Here lies the body of our Anna -

Done to death by a banana.

It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,

But the skin of the thing that made her go.

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On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:

Under the sod and under the trees,

Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.

He is not here, there's only the pod.

Pease shelled out and went to God.

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In a cemetery in England:

Remember man, as you walk by,

As you are now, so once was I.

Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:

To follow you I'll not consent

Until I know which way you went

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On a busy day, on a busy corner, there is a big accident in which there is a victim.

The man who has been injured requests a priest.

The police officer on the scene turns around and ask if there is a priest in the crowd. Nobody answers.

The man still cries out "A priest, a priest please"!

The officer once again turns around and ask if there is a priest in the crowd.

Suddenly, an old Jewish rabbi comes up and says "Officer, I'm a old 70 years old Rabbi,

but I've lived for 20 years behind St. Patrick church. Every night I hear them in their prayers.

Maybe I can help."

So the officer brings the Rabbi to the dying man.

The Rabbi kneels down and addresses these following words to the dying man:

"B1-I18-N44-G56-O75". . .

The pastor's new horse. . .

A Pastor was walking past a pet shop one day when he noticed a sign in the window:

"Christian Horse for Sale."

Being that the Pastor owned a large ranch, he was immediately interested, and went into the shop.

The owner took the Pastor out to the back, where he saw a beautiful Arabian stallion.

He agreed to allow the Pastor to take a "test run."

The Pastor grabbed the reins. "giddyap." The horse ignored him. "no, no," counseled the owner.

This is a Christian horse. If you want him to move, you must say, "Praise the Lord!"

The Pastor did as he was told, and the horse started off on a leisurely walk. However, he soon found

that the horse would not stop. "He won't answer to 'Whoa', said the owner. It's "Amen."

The Pastor decided that he liked the horse, so he bought him and took him home to his ranch in the country.

He saddled the horse up again, said, "Praise the Lord," and went riding into the countryside.

Suddenly, the horse saw a rattlesnake crossing the path. Frightened, he reared and bolted straight for a cliff.

The Pastor cried "whoa!" but the horse only ran faster. In vain, he tried one word after another.

Finally, he remembered the correct command and screamed "AMEN!!!!!" just as the horse

approached the edge of the cliff.

The Pastor was so thrilled that his life had been saved that he raised his hands

to the sky and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner. The first Pastor said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.

The second Pastor then said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in the basement of the church. I've set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still won't go away."

With a grin on his face, the third Pastor said, "I had the same problem so I baptized all mine and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!!!"

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back & begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest & most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars & trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified they did so, thereby proving that Hugh & only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

There was the person who sent ten different puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

CHURCH HYMNS

The Dentist's Hymn:...............Crown Him with Many Crowns
The Weatherman's Hymn.......There Shall Be Showers of Blessing
The Contractor's Hymn...........The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn...................Holy,Holy,Holy
The Golfer's Hymn..................There is a Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn.............Standing on the Promises
The Optometrist's Hymn.........Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent's Hymn............I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn.................Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn...........Send the Light
The Shopper's Hymn..............Sweet By and By
The Realtor's Hymn................I've Got A Mansion Just Over the Hilltop
The Pilot's Hymn....................I'll Fly Away
The Paramedic's Hymn..........Revive Us Again
The Judge's Hymn..................Almost Persuaded
The Psychiatrist's Hymn.........Just A Little Talk With Jesus
The Architect's Hymn.............How Firm A Foundation
The Credit Card Telemarketer's Hymn....A Charge To Keep I Have
The Zookeeper's Hymn............All Creatures of Our God and King
The Postal Worker's Hymn.....So Send I You
The Waiter's Hymn..................Fill My Cup, Lord
The Gardener's Hymn.............Lo,How A Rose E'er Blooming
The Lifeguard's Hymn.............Rescue the Perishing
The Criminals Hymn................Search Me, O God
The Baker's Hymn..................When the Roll is Called Up Yonder
The Shoe Repairer's Hymn.....It is Well With My Soul
The Travel Agent's Hymn....... Anywhere With Jesus
The Geologist's Hymn.............Rock of Ages
The Hematologist's Hymn.......Rock of Ages
The Menswear Clerk's Hymn....Blest Be the Tie
The Umpire's Hymn.................I Need No Other Argument
The Librarian's Hymn..............Whispering Hope

Now, for those who speed on the highway, a few hymns for you:

45 mph.................God Will Take Care of You
55 mph.................Guide Me, O thou Great Jehovah
65 mph.................Nearer My God to Thee
75 mph.................Nearer Still Nearer
85 mph.................This World Is Not My Home
95 mph..................Lord, I'm Coming Home
Over 100 mph.......Precious Memories

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about Who was better at using the computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and it will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They did spreadsheets.

They wrote reports.

They sent faxes.

They sent e-mail.

They sent out e-mail with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did some genealogy reports.

They made cards.

They did every known job.

But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly Flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.

The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching.... frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files.

From the past two hours. Satan observed this and became even more irate.

"Wait! He cheated! How did he do it??!!"

(You'll love the punch line....)

God shrugged and said,

"Jesus Saves."

Sort of one-liners... (Thanks, Jeanette!)

A man had been shopping around for a church home when he stopped in one church just in time to hear the Pastor say.."We have left undone those things which we ought to have done, and done those things which we ought not to have done."
The man dropped into a pew and sighed with relief, "I've found my crowd at Last."

An usher went up to a man sitting in church with his hat on, and asked him to remove it. "Thank goodness", said the man. "I thought that would do it. I've been attending this church for months, and you are the first person who has spoken to me..."

Jack: Do you know Pete Wilson?
Mack: I sure do. We slept in the same church pew for over fifteen years....

There are four classes of church members: the tired, the retired, the tiresome and the tireless.

Church bulletin.... "No matter how much you nurse a grudge, it won't get any better !"

Happy Easter!

A man was blissfully driving along the highway when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Candy, too.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying his basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead.

The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter this year. What should I do?" The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over the limp, dead Bunny and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came back to life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!!!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"

The woman turned the can around so the man could read the label. It said" "Hare spray. Restores life to dead hare. Adds permanent wave."

Happy Easter!

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven.

St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November

when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful."

"Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second

blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree,

exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong,

and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde. He asks, "What is Easter?"

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."

"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover.

Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and

turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified

and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross

with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.

The third blonde continues...

"Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out..., if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter!"

The First Profession...

A surgeon, an architect, and a politician were considering the question of

whose profession was the oldest.

"I think my line of work would win this one hands down," the surgeon said.

"After all, Eve was created from Adam's rib, and that sounds like surgery to me."

"Maybe," the architect said, "but before Adam, order was created out of

chaos. That was architectural accomplishment."

"Sure," the politician said....

"But before that, someone had to create the chaos!"

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what? (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbled across a monastery and requested shelter there. Fortunately, she was just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted. After dinner, she strolled into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers.

They welcomed her with, "Hello, I am brother Michael, and, I am Brother Charles."

"I am very pleased to meet you both," replied the nun. "I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, thank you sister. I am the fish friar."

She turned to Brother Michael and questioned, "then you must be....?"

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive\e for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to “A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could lea\e milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this. A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair comering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."