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Take it or leave it....
From the April 1 bulletin...
1. The scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
2. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. Al ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
3. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
4. Low Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7:00 P.M. Please use the back door.
5. A songfest was hell at the Methodist Church Wednesday.
6. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
7. The eigth-graders will be presenting Shakespear's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
8. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
9. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
10. Weight watchers will meet at 7PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
11. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"
12. Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.
13. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
14. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
15. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
And: thanks to Louise Peak for that!
Subject: Kids in Church
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children,
as they were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
*********************************
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike,
and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform,
jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side,
getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it
again.
After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned
toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
*********************************
Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel
were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk
out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men
standing by the door? They're hushers."
*********************************
A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was
becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day
she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the
mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"
*********************************
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.
They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone
could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and
quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbour's wife."
*********************************
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's
Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me
the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened
with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end
of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but
deliver us some E-mail. Amen."
**********************************
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the
aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While
facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went,
step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the
time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more
and moredistressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time
he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed
and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
(I think I know where Louise is getting this stuff.....)
Three church-active women died and went to the pearly gates to see St.
Peter. The first woman was Catholic and said to St. Peter, "This is my
Rosary." St. Peter says, "Yes, I see that it is well-worn. You may come
into Heaven.
The second woman was Babptist and said to St. Peter,"This is my
Bible." St. Peter says,"Yes, I can see that the pages a nearly worn
out from reading. You may come into Heaven.
The Third woman was Episcopalian. She looked up at St. Peter, took a
covered dish from behind her back and said,"St. Peter, this is my
casserole."
The other day I went to the local religious book store where I bought
one of those "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper stickers and put it on the
back bumper of my car, and I am really glad I did.
What an uplifting experience followed! I had stopped at a busy
intersection, lost in prayer and praise, and didn't notice the light had
changed. But even at a place like that, the bumper sticker really
worked. I found so many wonderful people who love Jesus.
Why, the guy behind me not only honked like crazy, he leaned out the
window and yelled, "Jesus Christ! Go! Jesus, Go!" as loud as he could.
Everyone else started honking and yelling, too. It was like a football
game and a revival service combined. So I leaned out the window smiling
and waving to all these sisters and brothers in the Lord.
There must've been a guy from Florida somewhere back there yelling about
a sunny beach, and he had this special kind of wave with his middle
finger stuck up in the air. I figured it was a "One Way and Only One"
sign, so I waved back the same way.
A couple of people were so carried away with joy that they got out of
their cars and started walking toward me. I know they probably wanted
me to pray with them, but just then I realized the light had changed,
and stepped on the gas. I was the only driver to get across the
intercession before it turned red again, but I looked back at them
standing there, leaned out the window, smiling and waving that special
"One Way" sign to them as I drove away.
Abraham had taken his son to
the mountain and readied him for sacrifice. Over his head he brought the
knife ready to strike the killing blow when suddenly he heard a
voice...."Abraham...Abraham...let your Son go, I will provide for you a
sacrifice fitting...". At this Abraham untied his son Issac who ran
some distance from his father. Abraham stood in amazement and yelling
to his son declared, "Issac, why are you running, the Lord has spoken
and will provide". Issac yelled back, "I'm sure he will, I'm also glad
I learned to throw my voice!".
Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me father for I
have sinned, I have been with a loose woman."
The Priest says, "Is that you Tommy?"
"Yes father, it is I."
"Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you for I do not wish to sully her reputation."
"The priest asks "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"No father."
"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
"No father."
"Was it Ann Brown?"
"No father, I cannot tell you."
"The priest says, "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for
your sins. Your pennance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail
Marys."
Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slieves over to
ask him what happened. Tommy replies, "I got five Our Fathers, Four
Hail Marys and three good leads."
A Rabbi and a Priest, good friends that they were, were discussing their
respective doctrines. "Now that we catholics have progressed to eating
meat on Friday, when will you start eating pork?" The response was, "At
your wedding!"
I have mentioned it before, but I enjoy the approach of
Henry Eyering, a world famous and brilliant physical chemist from the
Univeristy of Utah. (He passed away just a few years ago.) He said that
he manifest confidence in his eclesiastical leaders by sleeping in
church. Had he been concerned about them he would be wide awake and
watching their every move.
The new pastor was checking on the level of
knowledge in the Sunday School and the effectiveness of the teacher. He
asked a student "Who knocked down the walls of Jericho?" The boy
responded, "It sure weren't me Reverend."
He turned to the teacher and asked if that was a sample of the kind of
instruction in the class. The teacher said "Now Reverend, Timmy is a
good boy and doesn't tell lies. If he says he didn't do it, I believe
him."
So upset with the teacher, he took the matter to the church board.
After deliberating the matter, the board sent the following back to the
upset pastor. "We see no point in making an issue of the incident.
The Board will pay for the damages to the wall and charge it off to
vandalism."
If all the people who slept in church were laid end to end . . . they'd
be alot more comfortable.