Joke of the Week solely reflects the humor of the rector and not that of St. Stephen's congregation.
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Atheist Neighbor
There was an atheist living next door to an old woman
who was a Christian. Everyday he could hear her
praying and praising God for all of the things He had done for her.
One day, the old woman fell on hard times and had no
food in her house. The atheist overheard her praying
to God to 'please send her some food.' So off the
atheist goes to the grocery store, thinking he was
going to
fix the old gal once and for all. He bought two bags
of groceries. After placing them on her porch, he rang
her bell and then hid in some nearby bushes.
When the old woman came out of her house she saw the
bags of groceries and started giving thanks to the
Lord for sending her the food. At that point, the
happy atheist jumped from the bushes and shouted, "AH
HA! The Lord didn't send you those groceries! It was I
who put them there!"
Without even a pause, the old woman shot back, "Praise
you dear Lord. Not only did you send the groceries,
but you made the devil pay for them!"
On the way home from church, a little boy asked his mother, "Is it true, Mommy, that we are made of dust?" "Yes, Darling." "And do we go back to dust again when we die?" "Yes, Dear." "Well, Mommy, when I said my prayers last night and looked under the bed, I found someone who was either coming or going."
A pastor said from the pulpit, "You know, I don't mind if you folks look at your watches during the sermon, but when you take them off, hold them up to your ears and shake them, I find it quite distracting!"
If all the people who slept in church were laid end to end . . . they'd be alot more comfortable.
CENTER>
Many Princeton seminary graduates will remember preaching class with Dr. Donald Macloed. He used to tell us that you sermon title should be provacative that reading it on the church sign should move a person to get off the 5th avenue bus. - a good point, until one of our fellow students (before me) titled his sermon, "There's a Bomb On the Bus."
This was in the Cost of Conscience meeting, a conservative group in the Church of England. Someone apparently thinks the PC types would approve of this translation:
"Our universal chairperson in outer space, your identity enjoys the highest rating on a prioritised selectivity scale. May your sphere of influence take on reality parameters; may your mindset be implemented on this planet as in outer space. Allot to us at this point in time and on a per diem basis, a sufficient and balanced dietary food intake, and rationalise a disclaimer against our negative feedback as we rationalize the negative feedback of others. And deprogam our negative potentialities, but desensitise the impact of the counter-productive force. For yours is the dominant sphere of influence, the ultimate capability and the highest qualitative analysis rating, at this point in time and extending beyond a limited time-frame. End of message"
Traveling through the small towns in up-state New York, you generally find several churches from different denominations close together. One day as I walked between two churches 2 blocks apart, I had to wonder about the different theologies:
The United Methodist Church listed for the sermon title, "Where is God?"
The Presbyterian Church listed for the sermon title, "Gone Fishing."
Two young girls, one Catholic and one Protestanr, decided to visit each other's churches on successive Sundays. The Protestant girl said that she was impressed with the ritual and the mystery of the Catholic service, even though she didn't understand all that was happening because it was so different. After attending the Protestant service, the Catholic girl said that she appreciated the informality and the simplicity of the service. "One question," she said. 'I notice that before he speaks the minister takes off his watch and puts it on the stand before him; what does that signify?" The Protestant girl replied, "Nothing at all."
At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.
"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."
"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right."
"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
"Er--right."
"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. . . . "What wuz all the grown-ups doin"?
The preacher thought that he had received the utmost compliment from one of his parishioners at the church door following the service. Until he thought about it.
"Pastor," said the woman with a smile, "each srmon you preach is better than the next."
Father Fizbin, the new Vicar at the Mission Church of St. Swithin, was sitting in his office early one Sunday morning. Suddenly he saw a mist forming in the cornerof the room. As he watched the mist began to coalesce and he saw the form of a young middle-eastern man taking shape. The man had on a bright white robe and his features seemed to radiate light. Father Fizbin, recognizing that he was witnessing an awesome event grabbed the telephone and called Father Bigmann, the Archdeacon. When the Archdeacon answered, Father Fizbin excitedly said: "This is Father Fizbin at St. Swithin's; our Lord is manifesting Himself in my office! What should I do??"
Father Bigmann rolled his eyes and suggested that such news should be reported straight to the Bishop. He encouraged Father Fizbin to do just that.
So Father Fizbin called the Diocesan offices and asked to speak to the Bishop. The Bishop's Secretary wanted to know what was so important. So Father Fizbin again said: "Our Lord is manifesting Himself in my office! I need to know what to do!" The Bishop's Secretary had little patience for such things on a Sunday morning so she put the call through. "He's got the theology degrees," she said "let him handle it."
The Bishop picked up the phone and asked what he could do. Father Fizbin, really excited at this point because the figure was now quite distinct, said: "Bishop! Our Lord is manifesting Himself in my office! Please tell me what to do!!"
The Bishop thought for a moment, and then said: "Try to look busy."
A young boy was sitting in an Episcopal church with his father when he noticed the flags on each side of the altar. He asked his father what the flags were for.
His father pointed to the Episcopal church flag and said that it was the flag of the church. He pointed to the United States flag and said it was to honor all of the people who had died in the service.
The boy looked up and said, "Which one? 8:00 or 11:00?"
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order.
His answer: "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7."
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
While browsing through some dust-covered archival material in the recesses of the Roman Section of the British Museum a researcher recently came across a tattered bit of parchment. After some effort he translated it and found it was a letter from a man called Plutonius with the title of "magister factorium", or keeper of the calendar, to one Cassius. It was dated, strangely enough, 2 BC, December 3, or 2,000 years ago. The text of the message follows:
Dear Cassius,
Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? The change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left.
I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at the last minute.
I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus had turned nasty. We called in the consulting astrologers, but they simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work. As usual the consultants charged a fortune for doing nothing useful.
As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hour glass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition.
We're continuing to work on the Y zero K problem and I'll send you a parchment if anything develops.
Best regards,
Plutonius
TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK: 10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...
1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."
If you can start the day without caffeine, If you can get going without pep pills, If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him, If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend, If you can face the world without lies and deceit, If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics, Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog.
An Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw the following note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here.
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no other way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!" The sky darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few short feet of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop and glanced around, somewhat confused. Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God, for the food I am about to receive..."
A nice Jewish girl brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiancee to his study for schnapps.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the fiance. "I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiance insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks "so nu? How did it go?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God.